He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
