woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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