Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
