Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
