I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize