I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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