Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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