Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
