How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
So vagazzling was a success
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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