you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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