Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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