im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
