I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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