I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
