You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
