her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
