You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
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You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
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Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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