Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
