I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
