I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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