Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
