I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
