Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
