I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Randomize
