i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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