Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
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