We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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