It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
