fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
