i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
