Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
