I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
