I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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