reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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