Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
