I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
