my phone needs a breathalizer
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
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the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
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im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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