the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
