After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
