I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
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all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
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You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize