Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
