I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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