No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize