I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
