You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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