We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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