i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I am one with the molecules
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
