now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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