mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
