i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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