All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Randomize
