I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
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