Do you still have your period?
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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