Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
The best revenge is premature balding
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
