Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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