I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
