do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Randomize
