life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
