You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
