I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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