ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
