I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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