just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
