Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
